


shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts

by pendules



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-04-01 17:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4028455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendules/pseuds/pendules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He wants to tell him, <i>I've always been yours, even if you won't ever be mine.</i> Adam will never belong to anyone, and for someone who can take the world out of his mind, that's almost irresistible."</p><p>Adam tells Ronan about the death list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts

Adam's been quiet all evening. Ronan doesn't ask; it could be a myriad of things: school, work, his father, Cabeswater, Persephone, Greenmantle, whatever thing there is between Gansey and Blue that none of them will acknowledge.

Ronan doesn't add himself to the list, although there's definitely something new between them now, especially when they're alone together. Like an electric charge in the atmosphere. Something pulsating and dangerous.

On the drive back to town, there's a palpable tension in him. He looks nervous when Ronan sneaks a glance of him in the corner of his eye. And now he's looking at him differently than he usually does, looking for signs of a lie he didn't see before.

Then, before he can register it's happening, Adam reaches across and takes his free hand in his own. He almost does a lot of things then: swerves off the road, lets out a string of expletives, jerks out of his reach. But instead he just clenches his jaw, closes his eyes for a second.

Adam's just steadying himself, steadying them both, before he spits out whatever potentially life-changing thing is on his mind.

"Can you pull over for a second," he says, and it's small and strange and the first thing he's said the whole time.

Ronan does as he asks. He probably was expecting more of an argument.

"I have to tell you something," he says and he's looking out into the dark instead of at him. His hand hasn't moved from where it's resting on Ronan's, like an anchor.

"Go ahead," Ronan tells him. Their eyes meet then, finally, and something visibly shifts and changes inside of Adam; maybe he's lost his courage, or maybe it's been renewed. Because then he's leaning over right into his space and kissing him.

And fuck, fuck, _fuck_ , this isn't how this was supposed to happen. Not that he's thought about it a lot.

Only he _has_ thought about it a lot. Because this is all wrong.

It feels like the first time and the last time all at once.

Adam kisses him like this is the only chance they'll get, on the side of a road in the middle of nowhere with the gearshift jammed uncomfortably between them. It should feel more _important_ than this. It should've been — some other place, some other time. Should've been at the Barns surrounded by his father's domain of dreams, finally woken. Should've been at his apartment on holy ground with a college acceptance letter crushed in Adam's hand. Should've been in Monmouth amongst friends and ghosts of friends after receiving a kingly favour. 

Ronan's wants to tell him all of this. He wants to tell him, _I've always been yours, even if you won't ever be mine._ Adam will never belong to anyone, and for someone who can take the world out of his mind, that's almost irresistible.

But it already feels like he's pulling away, like he's retreating into the dark, secret places inside himself, or like Cabeswater is calling him back to them. _You can't have him_ , he wants to say, however useless it might be.

But then Adam's pulling away for real, and he's flinging the door open, and he's disappearing into the night.

Ronan doesn't even think about it before he's following him.

*

He finds him standing in a clearing, back still turned to him.

When Adam hears his footsteps approaching, he says it, clear and firm:

"Gansey's on the death list."

Ronan breathes in through his nose, out through his mouth. He doesn't say anything. He didn't know what he was expecting, but maybe it was exactly this.

Adam's facing him now, and he looks younger, fragile, like he did when they first met, but his voice is sure. "It's my fault. I saw it in the vision tree."

Ronan suddenly has a flash of that night in the church, Adam kneeling over a bloody, mangled dream version of himself. His brain far too easily replaces his own face with Gansey's.

"Who knows?" he asks calmly.

"Everyone now, I guess. Except for him."

He says it like because everyone knows now, there's no way to stop it.

"That's bullshit. Just because the psychics think —"

Adam gives him a pointed look that says, _But we always knew, didn't we._

Gansey's always walked side-by-side with death, but in a different way than Ronan did. The possibility of it only made Ronan's fire burn brighter while it diminished Gansey. He had so much more left to do; he couldn't leave the world (and them) when he was still unfinished.

"So, we use the favour —" Ronan’s never given much thought to it before, but it’s like a part of him always knew this is what they would need to ask.

Adam shakes his head slowly, like all the hope has gone out of the world. "He's still going to die, because of me. And you won't ever forgive me." 

"You don't know what I have in me to forgive," he says, feeling a sudden flare of anger.

"Yes, I do. It won't ever be the same."

"It can't be the same _now_. You just fucked it up." Ronan doesn’t know how true that is as he says it.

"I just wanted to know what it'd feel like. Before it was too late."

"You know you don't get to make that decision," Ronan says, walking closer to him. Adam's hands are balled into fists at his sides, and he's shaking slightly, from the cold, or from something else.

"Why not?" he says, and it's meant to be defiant but his voice cracks.

"Because it's not just _yours_."

And that's — that's what this is. What they are. They're Gansey's magicians, they're his protectors, and they're each other's. They're going to do this together, or not at all.

"I wish you would hate me," Adam says. "Then I would hate myself less."

"It's not my forgiveness you need." Ronan knows too well how hard it is to forgive yourself, especially after a lifetime of shame over what you are.

"Can you take me home?" Adam says after a few more minutes of silence.

"Okay."

*

They don't talk or touch again on the drive back, but as Adam's getting out at St. Agnes, Ronan gently grasps his wrist and tells him, "We'll fix it."

Adam nods, like he trusts him, like he's not going to get trapped in the tiny room in his mind away from the light, like maybe they'll have another chance. And another. And many, many more of them.


End file.
